*That's what boobies are for!

note: Breastfeeding is different for everyone.

What is life like when you breastfeed? Wish I had thought about the answer to this before I was SO determined to do it. I just thought, "Why doesn't everyone breastfeed?" I figured, "its free and its SO good for the baby and mother." and honestly, yes, I thought, "its easy!" WELL I WAS WRONG! lol It IS not easy and it is NOT for everyone. I'm one of those that would have looked down on you -with a nice lecture- for using formula -even though I didn't have children. I now apologize and I will mind my own  business. (Also, if you want to breastfeed your 5 year old, I'll mind my business as well.) I want to encourage everyone to breastfeed. I will help them all I can. This is one reason I have my blog, to give women a chance to see that it isn't easy, but it is worth it. 

What I have found is that when people find something out about you, they want to tell you about their experience. You probably know this if you've ever been pregnant. So, when I tell people I'm nursing or they see me doing it- up comes their story. Most of the time, they say too much. They tell me right away (or something to the affect of), "I tried to breastfeed for 2-3 days and I just couldn't produce."  "Breastfeeding was not what I thought it was going to be." "She needed me AL the time." Shame on doctors and teachers for not educating people on breastfeeding. It takes 5-7 days for your milk to "come in." I had no idea it would what those days would be like. The baby will NOT starve. This is the way God created us. They have enough to keep them nourished until they get it. This does not mean they won't cry. They does not mean they are not hungry. Up until the point of birth, babies have had a consistent flow of nourishment from the umbilical cord. They've never felt hungry, so of course they cry to this new "feeling." If you give them formula, of course they will suck it down. You can give them formula while breastfeeding. Its called supplementing. You try to feed them as much as you can as long as you can (the more they suck, the better for you). Then, you "top" them off with formula. In our case, it was .5 of an ounce after 4 days of "feeding" nonstop and that was it. She was happier until the milk came. Then, she was VERY happy. The only reason we gave her that little bit of formula was because our pediatrician made me think she was starving to death. I now know, she wasn't. The point is, it takes time -patience- and time and more time for the milk to come. I feel like most people give up before they know if they can breastfeed. Like I said, its fine with me if you choose not to do it, but don't make up a lame excuse to tell people that essentially creates a stigma that could make a future breastfeeding mother think is a common breastfeeding problem when it isn't. 

What exactly does it look like to give it a good try? It looks like living days and days with no shirt on. Like a baby literally stuck to your nipple 24/7. When you get up (to pee or for a quick shower) you hear a screaming baby. You let that baby suck, suck, suck for days and days and nights and nights. You can't stop staring at their face. You get a neck cramp from looking down. You are tired of watching tv and sitting on your butt and asking people for everything. You have had little sleep, little food, and no alone time. Your significant other looks at you sad because they NEVER get to hold their own baby unless they are screaming. They also get a good amount of sleep-at least enough to get the bags out from under their eyes. If you'er lucky, you the the internet on your phone and you can google all your questions/concerns as you feed. You can be somewhat entertained by the internet at 4am when theres nothing by infomercials on tv. You have a few breakdowns, usually at night when you're too tired to comprehend anything. You scream and cry yourself. You hand the baby off and yell and huff and puff and try to let out your emotions but quickly realize the baby is still screaming (because there is not a nipple in its mouth) and it will not stop until you stop. So, you stop -really before you are ready- and go back at it. This happens for days and days.

If this was all you were dealing with, then you MIGHT be able to handle it for a day. Take into consideration that you are home, with a new baby. You're life has changed. You have probably not unpacked from the hospital. You probably don't know the first thing about that baby.You probably have a super sore butt/belly depending on how the baby got here. After a few days, you stink. You miss your bra and t-shirt. You have had junk food because thats all you can grab quick. (if you've had really meals, thank God someone is caring for you. In a few weeks, it will be easier, but everyones lives will resume as normal. and there you'll be running to the kitchen for junk food.) You might have ended up cosleeping. You might have super sore or cracked nipples. You might have engorgement or mastitis. You might have a baby who is still learning to suck and every time one nipple gets healed, the other gets sore again. If this is all you were dealing with, then you MIGHT be able to handle it for a day, but you have ALL these other issues at the same time. You wonder, how does anyone get though it. Believe me, I wondered too. I went to a local breastfeeding class and they didn't tell me ANY of this! They didn't paint a picture of what it would be like, if all went perfectly well.

Surprise!

Let me just say, there is hope. It gets easier. If it didn't, no one would do it. If my friends -most of whom just finished their 1 year of breastfeeding- told me this is how it would be for the entire year, I'd be the first to give in. But each week is really easier. Your body heals. You get into a routine. Your baby still eats ALL the time, but your nipples heal. You learn to nurse laying down and to sleep sitting up. You can type, text, and eat with 1 hand (including non dominate). You care less about a clean house, car, and clothes. Your baby starts to change -looking more like a baby and less like an alien- and it all becomes worth it. You realize how good it is for nutrition and bonding. Its ALWAYS ready and at the right temperature. You quickly lose your baby weight. You can instantly comfort a screaming baby without having to troubleshoot the actual problem. The babies poop is way better than formula poop. You dont have to buy formula. I know how great my milk is for the baby. This is why I try so hard to give it to her!  

What sucks about breastfeeding...really? But honestly, sometimes it does suck! Here are a few scenarios I have encountered.

Co sleeping. Everyone has their own opinion about this. It can be dangerous. It can be unhealthy (for the couple and/or the baby). It can be hard to break. But, it is so easy and comforatble to feed in the middle of the night!! also keep a flashlight under your pillow ;)

When you ask someone to get something for you and just when they hand it to you and sit down, you think of something else you need.

When everyone else is eating and you're sitting there starving or you just sit down with a plate of food when you hear the hunger cry.

When u choose not to fed in front of certain people (like your friends 5 year old who asks a lot of questions or middle school boys) you will probably end up in a room alone. Or in an awkward feeding position when you would give anything for a boppy or settle for a purse or jacket to lean or prop on.

When she has a terrific latch and is really eating good and you're about to poop your pants!

When someone asks if they can kiss your baby goodbye WHILE they are eating! Followed by a "ill try not to get your boob!"

When your baby is not finish eating and it's time for the next scheduled feeding to begin.

The worst is the question "oh can I hold her again before u feed her?" or "whats wrong baby? (knowing she wants to eat) you want to walk? I'll walk with you." In my head, I say, "Omg do U really want to hold a screaming baby and try to calm her down when I know all she wants us to eat! Just give her to me!"

"Is she sleeping or eating?" Oh how I loathe this question. For one, does it matter? For two, is it a crime for me to let my baby sleep or comfort suck? Now, I just say eating. They don't know and it doesn't matter. Its just a stupid question. Sometimes it could be both.

Here are some tips that I have learn help:

Breastfed babies love to be held! They get held so much while they are eating, then they fall asleep in your arms and still get held. So, they get used to be held and LOVE it. They wake up when you put them down. Breastfed babies eat a lot. They cannot be overfed. People tried to tell me eating for an hour was crazy and that really she was just sucking or holding the nipple in her mouth, but no. I know that she EATS for 30 minutes on one side and then 30 minutes on the other. Thats ok. I know it is a lot, but I'm ok with her eating when she is hungry. I know now that you can't rush a hungry baby!

Keep your to-do lists minimal. I realized when I was feeling stressed out about having to stay put, it was because I was trying to do to much at once. If feeding my baby is ALL I have to do today, I don't feel bad, discouraged, or disappointed about not taking a shower, making dinner, or changing the sheets on the bed!

If you're expecting visitors, tell the company ahead of time so they're not caught be surprise. Especially you FIL.

Buy bottled water.

Put all the pump parts in the fridge to keep from washing them every time!

In the beginning, resist the strong urge to do anything. Really. Any-thing. It IS ok. Except maybe shower. And stay in there as long as possible -until u hear the baby crying.

Don't go anywhere until you can take a bottle! Unless you're prepared to 1. hear a screaming hungry baby trapped in a car seat or 2. Feed in the car. It's best to wait until they're 6 weeks old at the earliest to go to the grocery store and run errands. That way you're comfortable feeding in the car or carrier and maybe know the feeding schedule.

Take a blanket or nursing cover every where u and the baby go if you aren't comfortable exposing yourself. You never know when she will break out in a cry for food!

Make a pritority list while you are feeding of what you need to do during a break.

If you are still asking yourself, "What can I do to make it better?"

Get a good support group around you. People that REALLY know what you are going through. Real friends and a GREAT lactatation consultant.

Get prepared to just sit-especially in the beginning! Nothing sucks more than when you're thirsting to death and you stretch as far as you can reach to your bottle of water or a ringing phone that's just outside your fingertips

Depend on others. Dont wait on someone to ask, "Do u need anything?" or "what can I do for you?" because after the first few days, they wont. and its much easier to just ask than sit around sulking.

Expect to get discouraged and prepare for how u will deal with it. Sometimes breastfeeding just plain sucks. Have a good support system available at all times including a great lactation consultation, good friends who were successful at bfing for at least a year, and a significant other who can offer support at your darkest moment in the middle of the night after you've been awake for hours having no shower, little food, and at your weakest. Having someone -especially a baby-by your ever loving side nonstop day after day can be tough on its on.

Husbands/significant others: be prepared to not get to hold your own child much! and for tears and to encourage! And realize babies eat a lot! They need their mother! And bf babies like to be held ALL the time! And they Really like their mother!

Be strong and take your screaming hungry baby from someone who is holding them when you know they're hungry.

Be confident in reading you babies cues. After all, you are the one with them the most!

I have come to the realization that:

Work is like a vacation. The only free time you really have is pumping at work and that 30 minutes never lasts long enough!

At each stage/age there are things to look forward to and things to be glad are passing. Live in the moment. If it hurts you to think of your child growing up (running around, driving, graduating etc) don't let your mind go there! Enjoy the now. Babies don't last forever.

No one will ever love your child like you.

However you decide to parent (cloth diapering, cosleeping, formula feeding, etc) is right for you. Don't let anyone make you fell bad about it. You are doing what is right for you and best for you at this time. That's GREAT parenting!

What else should I know?
It WILL get easier.
Pumping doesn't feel anything like a baby eating.
Babies nursing habits change. They have different stages. They will pat and rub your chest, wiggle or kick their legs around, pull off and smile, bite a little, etc.  

Remember through all of this:
This is how God created us. They is what we are designed to do. You will be free again one day.
Relax and allow your boobies to do their job! This is what boobies are for.

FAVORITE BLOGS:
http://kellymom.com/
interactive blog

FAVORITE PRODUCTS:
give extra milk
bottle nipples in Dr. Browns Bottles
nursing cover
electric pump
hand pump
pump bags  (cheaper at walgreens online)
Disposable Nursing Pads
nursing bra
boppy pillow
reusable nursing pads (not for everyone. read this review)

Lactation Consultant:

Gloria Dudney, RN, IBCLC (423) 794-5560

First Choice Pediatrics 301 Med Tech Parkway Johnson City, TN  update: We are 2 weeks away from reaching our 1 year mark (previous breastfeeding goal!) It has been tough, but I think we are up for going another year! She has started solids now and I figure she will start dropping off some of our sessions, so why not continue. I have learn how milk changes to meet her needs and its the winter season. Just one more thing I can do to prevent sickness! As long as I am able to keep myself healthy, we will continue. I can't imagine being sick and feeling bound to continue to "give yourself away." After all, she nurses a lot faster now and I have some to really enjoy our relationship. It allows her a chance to relax in the middle of the day and take a break. I see nothing wrong with continuing and no negatives! So, here we go!

update:
We met our 2 year mark! I honestly NEVER thought I would be breastfeeding a 2 year old, but the truth is, when you have a newborn, who does think they will? In so many ways, she is so grown up and in so many ways, she is still a baby. In the realm of life, she is still a "newborn" and still needs me and the security of breastfeeding. I know one day we will wean. I know one day it will be time and I understand that. I know it will be hard for me because like this is all she has even known as a child, it is also all I have ever known as a mother. I love her dearly. Some days it is a sacrifice to continue to offer myself to her for many reasons but other times, it is my sanctuary -to hold her when she needs to be held -while she will allow my comfort to be.

about MY God

I asked someone the other day, "Do you believe in God?" They confused me with the answer, "I believe in A God." I thought about this for a long time. Every answer led to more questions. Religion fascinates me. I love to hear what others believe even if I don't agree. I don't profess to know everything. I realize I know nothing. I sometimes think I understand myself and my religion and what I believe only to find that to be untrue in many different ways. There is a depth to religion that one has trouble comprehending when trying to explain. I, on the other hand, embrace it. The thing about religion is that its not real until it is felt with the heart.

I was raised in a "Christian" environment. I always considered myself a Christian. When I was 16 years old, I found God for myself and made a decision to incorporate Him throughout my life. Through this process, I have rediscovered religion in order to personalize it without reinventing it. I have made it my own.
This is why I call it "my" religion. This brings me back to the answer, "I believe in "A" God." It surprised me because it's been so long since I have considered "My" God "A" God. I KNOW my God. I think of Him as a friend. I feel Him. I think of my sister as "my" sister, not "a" sister. I'm not saying the person who responded with this answer isn't a Christian. This is not for me to decipher. It just makes me wonder. Do they know a God like I know mine? Can you get to heaven by knowing a God, or do you have to know "yours?"

Sometimes we have a tendency to over analyze things. We make them more complicated than they are. Stop. REST your mind IN the Lord and take it for what it is. Be thankful you are FREE to believe whatever you want.

My Sabbath

I often need rest, but find myself unable to stop my work. I am constantly checking my to-do list, my emails, bank account, and social networks. After a while, I find myself yearning for a live person...and the outdoors. I remember through college and working a full time job how my mind and body got bogged down. I would often think, man what I'd give for a day of rest. 

After all my studying on the topic of rest, I am baffled. I am amazed when I think even God took a day of rest. I am amazed at how He created our bodies to be nonfunctional without it. He thought it so important that he commanded us to do it! I take this to mean that it is a sin to not do it! So why do I always feel guilty for resting? ...because I think resting makes me ineffective, a slacker.

But in reality, it is the opposite.
When I take my Sabbath and honor it, I find that I am much more affective. I feel free. During my Sabbath, I go to my God by doing whatever it is that I do to feel close to Him. It is essentially worship. Thus, for each of us is something different. For me, I prefer to call on Him in nature. I sing to Him, lay my heavy burdens at His feel through prayers either spoken or written, study his word, or sit quietly.

This week when I took my Sabbath, it rained. I don't know about everywhere else in the world, but in the South, when it rains, the world slows a bit. Less people go out, and when they do they drive slower. It made my Sabbath perfect. It allowed me to do some soul searching. I remembered that God has called me to be a teacher. He has allowed me to find a career to fulfill His calling for my life. By teaching, I can help others. I can have weekends off, for my Sabbath...and through this pure refreshing water from the sky...through this rain, I have been made clean.

A close friend once wrote, "The hardest decision in man's life has to be the act of becoming emptied for a higher gain." But through this action: through honoring my Sabbath once a week, I find that I am rejuvenated and refreshed.

bittersweet love, a broken heart, and a new start

The astringent taste the sweet maroon liquid on my tongue matches the bitterness in my heart. Red wine is my closest companion. It comforts me at night and makes me laugh instead of cry. I have a few friends; a few that really understand what's happening to me. They will talk me back into reality when I come up with something crazy...or they do it with me. They ask me to find and speak the words to help them understand what my heart feels. Huh?...impossible...not because of my limited vocabulary, but because the words don't exist. Even when I do try to explain, over and over the advice is the same...move on...forget it...time will heal. Bla bla. That doesn't help. I can't speed up time. I can't just forget things...and anyways, I don't want to forget. So, talking about it doesn't help my current situation. I don't even know what the situation is anymore. I thought the situation was that I got dumped and my heart got broken, but I realize I've moved on from that. Yeah, I do want to be with him, but he has made it clear he doesn't want to be with me, see me, or even talk to me. So the new situation is that I can't trust. I want to, and I used to, and I want to again, but how can I?

He asked me to trust him, commit, move with him and start my forever, but I didn't. I wasn't ready. I was scared. My greatest fear is divorce. I wanted to live my life and do what I wanted to do before I got married, so I refused and we broke up. Then, I realized that was the wrong decision. I realized that completing all the things on my list alone made them not worth completing at all. I realized I was wrong for doing what I wanted to do instead of discussing things with him before I made major decisions. So we got back together, until July when I realized he never really forgave me for the decisions I made about school and moving-even after I admitted I was wrong. I don't understand this. I forgive people all the time. It usually comes easy for me. I can move on without bringing up the things I have forgiven, but I guess it's harder for some people. He said I had characteristics he didn't want in his wife, but he never asked me to change..instead he just let me go. This is what the new situation is...this is what hurts the most...this is what I can't move on from.

He knew me like no one in this world. Sometimes he would know how I was going to feel before I felt. Over and over, he listened while I explained past situations, reasons, and excuses that made me who I am. He comforted me when I cried and made me strong when I was weak. He accepted me and all the crap I brought to the relationship. I made the decision to let go of my future for him. I made the commitment and decision to pack up the past and all the fears I had, and throw them out the window. I purposely let my guard down as far as it would go, but something happened...somewhere along the way he stopped accepting me. He just stopped...without warning...without anything...he just stopped. He said he still loved me, but everything else was gone and it wasn't because of anything I did. There was no event, no fight, no argument. One day he just said he didn't want me anymore. He just let me go. I walked away. I didn't want to leave and I didn't believe he really wanted me to go, but I left. He let me go. Watched me walk away. I thought he just needed time, so I gave it to him, but now its been 4 months and he says he didn't need a break from me. He just didn't me.

--> --> --> --> --> --> --> --> --> -->Like I said, I hate divorce and I never thought it would happen it me. (It didn't legally, but my heart made the commitment and that means more to me than the legal paper.) But more than anything I realized how marriage takes 2 people, but divorce only takes 1. You can want to be with someone and make things work with all you're heart. You can pray and cry and beg every second of every day, but you can't make someone want you back. This is when I realized you can't always blame every divorced person for their divorce because you never know how much they refused it when it happened to them.

I can deal with not having him. I can move on, but that's the problem. How can I move on when I can't trust? How do I know that the next guys not just gonna "let me go." They all say they won't and I've always believed it, but this time, I can't. I don't have an option. It's weird cause my heart is so broken that sometimes it physically hurts. It seems easier to deal with being alone forever than dealing with possible being "let go of" at some point in the relationship.

Reality has hit me; I just don't think I'll ever be able to let my guard down again. I don't think I can trust again. I'm just confused because I had this plan for my life and I let it go for him. He decided he didn't want to make a new one with me, so now I'm alone and I can't go back to my old plan because that involve marriage after graduation...now there's no one to marry. hum, weird. I can deal with being alone. I'm not really looking for someone to marry. I'm just having a hard time with the transition that I had a plan...and now I don't.

I hate having "plans" for life, but if I don't have an objective, I waste time. I spent all my college years experiencing the world and traveling. I lived like a nomad. I had all my stuff in storage and no home for years and I was happy, but I don't think I can go back to that. I am finished with that lifestyle. I want more stability. I know the transition will be tough, but I know I can do it cause that's what I want. I just don't know where to start. I don't want to rush life. I just want to make sure I accomplish something. I'm afraid of getting to the end of life and having everything I want but time.

He stole my forever. He stole my ideal of marriage with no thought of divorce. He stole my sunshine. 

Break Down: one day at a time

Seems like everyones throwing advice at me since I'm graduating and I'm single. It gets tougher and tougher to hear. I know its for the best everyone is trying to help, but really I just want to hurt. I mean I don't like hurting, but through the pain I will grow and there's really no other easy way around getting over all this and moving on. But I am listening and sometimes parts of it stick. like my friend saying I am FREE and I can date anyone I want just like he can. It sounds elementary, but when she spoke those words something clicked. I've just be so upset with the fact that I want him and he doesn't want me that I forget that I don't have to cry for him to change his mind. I have the freedom to move on if I want, but I really don't want to yet. I just want to cry it out.

All they say about him is true; he never cherished me -and that's what hurts the most; that I didn't realize until it was over that he never wanted me for me in the first place.

I have a hard time understanding how the single life doesn't bother people. I hate being single. I've always hated dating and thats the reason I've tried to always be in serious relationships. I had a realization at 16 years old that all I need is to find the one God has for me. I could save myself a LOT of heartache by not trying to do it myself. It will be a long time, if ever, that I can build trust in someone enough to think of marriage again. I was with this guy and the relationship was everything I ever dreamed of and then one day he just let me go. I still love him so much and my heart aches so bad that I can't sleep at night. It's over now. It's completely over. He has moved and some how I must find the courage to do the sane. He doesn't want to be with me. Now I'm constantly thinking is it me or something I did or said or another girl or him or what. He told me the exact reasons he was letting me go: i dont have the characteristics of soneone he wats to marry. but why didn't he recognize these issues in the beginning? Its just something I have to live through one day at a time I guess.

Free to Focus

This blog is solely committed to rest and reflection. Le Chica Libre translates as The Free Woman. It reflects my journey for rest in this weary and burden life while seeking first the kingdom of Christ. My place to write: about my day, about my life, my friends, my family, my God.

I am a woman of Christ learning to live through Him. I struggle. I sin. I am defeated over and over, but this is my place to relax, revive, repent, and be redeemed. My resting place from the world. 

Dedicated to my long lost friends Will and Mike who taught me that it is acceptable to sacrifice sleep for intelligent conversation, especially when eternal lives are at stake. 

To the hope in Christ that the seeds will sprout.