The astringent taste the sweet maroon liquid on my tongue matches the bitterness in my heart. Red wine is my closest companion. It comforts me at night and makes me laugh instead of cry. I have a few friends; a few that really understand what's happening to me. They will talk me back into reality when I come up with something crazy...or they do it with me. They ask me to find and speak the words to help them understand what my heart feels. Huh?...impossible...not because of my limited vocabulary, but because the words don't exist. Even when I do try to explain, over and over the advice is the same...move on...forget it...time will heal. Bla bla. That doesn't help. I can't speed up time. I can't just forget things...and anyways, I don't want to forget. So, talking about it doesn't help my current situation. I don't even know what the situation is anymore. I thought the situation was that I got dumped and my heart got broken, but I realize I've moved on from that. Yeah, I do want to be with him, but he has made it clear he doesn't want to be with me, see me, or even talk to me. So the new situation is that I can't trust. I want to, and I used to, and I want to again, but how can I?
He asked me to trust him, commit, move with him and start my forever, but I didn't. I wasn't ready. I was scared. My greatest fear is divorce. I wanted to live my life and do what I wanted to do before I got married, so I refused and we broke up. Then, I realized that was the wrong decision. I realized that completing all the things on my list alone made them not worth completing at all. I realized I was wrong for doing what I wanted to do instead of discussing things with him before I made major decisions. So we got back together, until July when I realized he never really forgave me for the decisions I made about school and moving-even after I admitted I was wrong. I don't understand this. I forgive people all the time. It usually comes easy for me. I can move on without bringing up the things I have forgiven, but I guess it's harder for some people. He said I had characteristics he didn't want in his wife, but he never asked me to change..instead he just let me go. This is what the new situation is...this is what hurts the most...this is what I can't move on from.
He knew me like no one in this world. Sometimes he would know how I was going to feel before I felt. Over and over, he listened while I explained past situations, reasons, and excuses that made me who I am. He comforted me when I cried and made me strong when I was weak. He accepted me and all the crap I brought to the relationship. I made the decision to let go of my future for him. I made the commitment and decision to pack up the past and all the fears I had, and throw them out the window. I purposely let my guard down as far as it would go, but something happened...somewhere along the way he stopped accepting me. He just stopped...without warning...without anything...he just stopped. He said he still loved me, but everything else was gone and it wasn't because of anything I did. There was no event, no fight, no argument. One day he just said he didn't want me anymore. He just let me go. I walked away. I didn't want to leave and I didn't believe he really wanted me to go, but I left. He let me go. Watched me walk away. I thought he just needed time, so I gave it to him, but now its been 4 months and he says he didn't need a break from me. He just didn't me.
--> --> --> --> --> --> --> --> --> -->Like I said, I hate divorce and I never thought it would happen it me. (It didn't legally, but my heart made the commitment and that means more to me than the legal paper.) But more than anything I realized how marriage takes 2 people, but divorce only takes 1. You can want to be with someone and make things work with all you're heart. You can pray and cry and beg every second of every day, but you can't make someone want you back. This is when I realized you can't always blame every divorced person for their divorce because you never know how much they refused it when it happened to them.
I can deal with not having him. I can move on, but that's the problem. How can I move on when I can't trust? How do I know that the next guys not just gonna "let me go." They all say they won't and I've always believed it, but this time, I can't. I don't have an option. It's weird cause my heart is so broken that sometimes it physically hurts. It seems easier to deal with being alone forever than dealing with possible being "let go of" at some point in the relationship.
Reality has hit me; I just don't think I'll ever be able to let my guard down again. I don't think I can trust again. I'm just confused because I had this plan for my life and I let it go for him. He decided he didn't want to make a new one with me, so now I'm alone and I can't go back to my old plan because that involve marriage after graduation...now there's no one to marry. hum, weird. I can deal with being alone. I'm not really looking for someone to marry. I'm just having a hard time with the transition that I had a plan...and now I don't.
I hate having "plans" for life, but if I don't have an objective, I waste time. I spent all my college years experiencing the world and traveling. I lived like a nomad. I had all my stuff in storage and no home for years and I was happy, but I don't think I can go back to that. I am finished with that lifestyle. I want more stability. I know the transition will be tough, but I know I can do it cause that's what I want. I just don't know where to start. I don't want to rush life. I just want to make sure I accomplish something. I'm afraid of getting to the end of life and having everything I want but time.
He stole my forever. He stole my ideal of marriage with no thought of divorce. He stole my sunshine.
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